Letting go

Last night was a night of mixed emotions for our family. It was the last time in quite a while that we will be all together as a family. Friday, August 10th Brian will move to Arizona and our family will be forever changed. We are very excited for Brian to have this opportunity and know that he will be cared for very well by Geri, Lisa, Kathy, Kari, Teri, Lauree, Len and all of our other family and friends in Arizona. And of course, his girlfriend Tessa will keep him out of trouble. But we will miss him so much. Even though he moved out in January to his own place, he still was only 5 blocks away and we saw him every Sunday night for dinner and often we able to do things with him more often as our schedules (and his) permitted. Now, he will be a sixteen hour car ride away or a two hour plane ride (which is really 5 hours by the time you drive & wait!) and our Sunday night ritual will come to an end.

He is ready to grow up, spread his wings, and become a man with his own life. He is opening a new chapter in his life and I am so happy for him but at the same time my heart hurts. He is my first baby, my only son. On the outside I try to be strong and supportive but on the inside I want to keep my baby boy here with me. He is ready to go but I am not ready for him to go yet. Letting go is not one of my strong suits.

I try to remind myself that I will see him in a few months at Thanksmas but that doesn't make it easier. MONTHS, not days, hours, or even a week. I won't see my boy for MONTHS! I know in my rational mind that this is something every mother must do but trying to tell that to my heart is a different story. I miss him already and he has not even left yet...boy, I'm in big trouble!

When he comes home to visit, things will be different. He will be a guest and we get just the highlights of his new life, not the day-to-day ordinary life and news conversations we have today sitting around our dinner table. Yet, like any mothre, I want him to be happy and with Tessa he is happy. He needs to be in Arizona now- I know that. But they never tell you how hard it will be to say good-bye and let them go. Even if they did tell you how hard it will be, until you actually have to do it, you don't really have an idea of how hard it is.

There are no words that can fully describe how proud we are of Brian and the wonderful, kind-hearted, smart, funny, intelligent, good-natured young man he has grown up to be. He is sympathetic, strong, loyal, quick-witted, a great dad to his dog Kobe, a wonderful son, and a great big brother for Alyssa and Emily. I know he will be successful in his life and I know we have done all we can to raise a happy, productive young man for this world.

Yet when he leaves, a piece of my heart will go with him. I will help him to leave because I know that is what he needs to do at this stage in his life but it will be the hardest thing to do. I will be letting go but I think my heart will hurt forever. So I will be a good mom and help him to leave us. I will strong and supportive and happy for him. But when he is not here, I will cry for my loss. My little boy will only live in my memories, no longer in my home or in my city, or even my state. The man that comes to visit will be different- and we will be different too. Our everyday lives will go on without him and his life will go on without us being there each day.

I know he is very excited but I am his mom so I know he is also very scared. So he won't let me see how scared he is to be leaving and I won't let him know that I cry everytime I think about him leaving. Even though it is so hard, we will both be letting go.